so, reformed abusers
I was going to post a personal account, but realized I am not ready to do that. So here’s some bullet points:
1. Many modern feminists are terrified of being classed as man-hating, prudish dykes, so there is a tendency to fawn over “reformed” men and “male feminists”. It is not surprising that many of the men who insert themselves into these spaces tend to be excellent manipulators and thus very adept at finding ways to silence and talk over women, all the while maintaining an appearance of being concerned for women in general, and women who defend and agree with them in particular.
2. “Sex-positive” spaces are particularly vulnerable, because a lot of sex-positive rhetoric glosses over misogyny and provides a platform for men to discuss how they are oppressed for their kinks. These men foster an environment where it is permissible to silence legitimate critique of internalized misogyny, or of attempts to discuss the often hazy interaction of consent and abuse. It is often interpreted as a space where no negativity or questioning, not even protective, valid questioning, is allowed, and thus it is often dominated by mansplainers.
3. There is no such thing as a person without misogynistic thoughts. The patriarchy could not function otherwise. Beware any many who claims to be free of misogyny, especially if he is talking over women to do it. Such men will also be completely oblivious to more subtle, intersectional oppressions. If they’re not, they will often “take sides” and play one group of women off another.
4. The vast majority of “reformed” abusive men do not stop abusive behavior. They simply find new ways to channel it. Often, those new channels are far more subtle, and padded with anecdotes about what a bad person they used to be, so that their current behavior looks saintly in comparison. Red flags include a) the fact that the women they abused are now mere anecdotes relayed without any apparent concern about how the victims might feel about it, b) a tendency to target young women, often college-aged, for relationships, sex and flirtation, because they do not have sufficient life experience or self-confidence to read them properly, c) targeting other vulnerable populations of women (undocumented immigrants, the disabled, the mentally ill) for the same, because they would be afraid to seek help or would not be believed if they did, d) self-flagellation that is accompanied by a contradictory failure to understand why others are still angry or fearful of them. They also often seek the company of prominent women and behave well around them, so that these same women can be relied on to defend them if necessary.
5. A man who is genuinely interested in minimizing sexist, abusive behavior will accept and understand that he will fuck up sometimes. He will understand that he is not permitted in some spaces, and, when called out, he will learn from the experience and not repeat the error. When challenged about his sexism, he will not respond with anger or aggression, and he will not recount past aggressive behavior solely to illustrate what he is capable of. He will remove himself from situations where his emotions are threatening to make him fuck up. He will not declare himself a “feminist” or bestow himself any other title that puts women who disagree with him in the position of looking anti-woman. An abusive male will likely do most, if not all, all of those things. If he “behaves”, he will be sure to mentally file those incidents away to use later as proof of his victimhood.
This is hardly a complete list, but the bottom line is this: if a known abuser ever makes you feel creeped out, frightened, uneasy, or silenced, trust your gut, even if he has a hundred people behind him ready to tell you how awesome he is.
I want to believe in the capacity for change and I mostly do but all this is also true.
I’m really glad folks are talking about these paradigms of abuse so generally. I’m working on my little perzine comic (yes, i am making a perzine comic) about my failed accountability process, and i’d love to talk more with the OP’s on this and my previous post.
